2:51 p.m. - 2009-03-07
The Fucked Up Survivor
There are times when you get into the crossfire of things and you end up being the target of someone�s rage. I introduced two �friends� and one ended up causing harm to the other. While I know what transpired between them was not my fault. As a matter of fact my daughter and I tried to prevent it. Still the guilt of being involved with someone that is toxic to herself and others is real for me and my instrumentation of bringing Sheila into Becki�s life will be something I will always regret.
As a survivor of abuse and domestic violence there are stages of healing that everyone goes through and unfortunately there are some who throw it in a closet and don�t deal with it at all. These people are eaten from the inside out. They deal with their pain with drugs and alcohol and even prescription medication. I have always longed to work with survivors because I have been there. I have worked through my issues and still do. I was blessed with a love for art and writing and those expressions have given me a outlet for all the bad things that can plague your life and spill into generations of children. I knew I wanted the cycle to break with me and for the most part it has. I have been blessed with beautiful children who are growing and happy.
My two friends are survivors of childhood trauma one deals with drug issues while the other struggles with finding her strength within herself to be her own protector. They are both fucked up for the most part and I realize that I cannot help them. I also know that it is not hard for me to get fucked p right along side of people when I get mixed up in the drama. Sheila and Melvin had sex with Becki when she was out of her head on Tequila and various other alcoholic beverages. Medical exams show that Becki was vaginally traumatized and for months after I struggled with believing it. Sheila swears up and down that Becki asked for it and I wanted to believe her.
I went to Sheila�s to try so desperately to hold on to the sisterhood that I believed in but I was offered some wine and offered sex instead. I gave in to Sheila that night and had sex with her. I allowed it to happen as some kind of punishment for what happened to Becki. as if to make it even. Although I was trying to convince myself that Sheila and I loved each other and she was the only person that really understood me. So I guess I am fucked up too.
This gross perversion of friendship, is it truly our abusers fault for the way we care about ourselves now? The logical and responsible answer is there comes a point and time that we are responsible for our own well being and our own safety. So with that in mind I know that I cannot help my fellow survivors until I learn this, and this is my task at hand.
I don�t know why Sheila did what she did. My best guess is jealousy, insecurity, control. I cannot hate her for something that I know lives in me. It is the same with Becki. My lesson here is I cannot control what other people do, but I can control what I involve myself with. Sheila is no longer part of my life, but my wish for her is to get help and start healing. Becki wants nothing to do with me and I cannot blame her for that. I don�t want to be a reminder of that terrible night. She did drink too much and allowed herself to get out of control of her capacity but she thought she was in the company of friends and no one deserves what happened to her that night.
While I write this in shame for my actions I forgive myself for my part and my fucked up reactions for it is a lesson that I needed to learn to do what comes next. I have to learn to care for myself and find things to have in my life that are good for me and will help me grow. I want to learn to be the kind of friend that people can depend on and be the friend that gives to the relationship and not just takes. To know that I am capable and willing to learn does show that I am not as fucked up as I thought.
